my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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