I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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