I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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