They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
