i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
