I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
