Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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