Michael Bay diarrhea
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
