I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
