My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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