Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Randomize
