You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
