so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Randomize
