Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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