is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
