Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
