i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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