Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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