then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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