I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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