He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
