we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
