I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
