I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
