I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
