I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
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