I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
