I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
