i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I supernannyed him into submission
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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