we have pet lesbian snakes
So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Randomize
