so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
