She is in my trunk
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
