I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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