I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
