why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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