so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
