He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
You ate ashes out of my bong
why does every cop we meet know your name?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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