were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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