we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
