I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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