he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
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