i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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