So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
