I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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