this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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