Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
