Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
