THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
