even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
