rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
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