Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She bit a glass in half.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
