when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
